Honeymooners’ Fan Fiction: Alice’s Tea Club

Honeymooners Lost Episode Alice’s Tea Club

Kramden’s Apt. Ralph is coming home from a long day as a bus driver and sees the apartment is decorated to look very fancy. Ralph looks as though he had just walked into the wrong apartment. On the table is a nice place setting and 3 teacups. 

Ralph: ALICE! ………ALICE! …..ALLLLL!
Alice casually strolls out of the bedroom fixing her hair and looking very classy. 
Alice: Oh hey Ralph, how was work? (Acting like nothing has changed as she tends to the place settings)

RK: Don’t give me this “Hey Ralph” routine….What’s with the doilies?
Just then Trixie walks in looking elegant as well. 
RK: (sarcastically) Well I guess MY invitation to the Homemaker’s Ball got lost in the mail. 
AK: Oh Ralph don’t get excited. Trixie and I decided to start a little tea club and we’re meeting tonight. 
RK: (looking flabbergasted) Well isn’t it going to be a bit awkward for you…holding your tea club while I’m eating my suppa?
Trixie: Oh we thought of that. Alice and I packed you and Ed some bag dinners that you can eat on your way to the lodge tonight. 
RK: (acting sarcastically relieved) Ohhhhh. What a relief!!! For a second there I was afraid I was going to have to go hungry. But at least I get to eat my supper out of a paper bag! I suppose I should drink from someone’s yard hose too since we’ll be dining on the go!
AK: I’m sorry Ralph you know I don’t usually like to break your routine. 
RK: (calming down) Well….I suppose I can eat a bag supper this one time. 
AK: (looking a bit nervous) Um, Ralph…our tea club is going to meet once a week.
RK: (now fully enraged) Once a week?! Once a week?? I have to eat a bagged supper once a week? 

TN: I don’t know what you’re getting so excited for Ralph, you and Ed get to go to the lodge all the time and we don’t complain. 

In walks Ed Norton holding a paper bag.

RK: Can you believe this Norton? We have to eat cold dinners so our wives can have some fancy tea club party.

EN: Whadaya mean? A cold bag supper is considered fine dining compared to Trixie’s usual cookin’. 
RK: So you’re not steamed?
EN: What’s there to get steamed for? We’re gonna be having fun down at the lodge, what’s so bad about the girls having some company over?
RK: (looking at the table) Speaking of company, I noticed 3 place settings, who else are you expecting, it’s not your mother is it?????
AK: No Ralph, mother wasn’t invited. It’ll just be me, Trix, and Gregory. 
(Ralph’s eyes get big and Ed looks a bit confused.)

RK: Gregory? Gregory? You invited a man to come and have tea with you while you’re dressed up all fancy-like? 
TN: Oh Ralph you’re getting excited over nothing, Gregory’s a well -mannered man. He just has good tastes and an appreciation for the finer things in life. And he’s coming home early from his diving expedition just to be here.
RK: (long pause to get angry) He ain’t steppin’ foot in this house, not one foot, you hear me Alice! 
AK: Now Ralph!
RK: How did you happen to meet this “Gregory Cousteau” character anyway??
AK: He happens to be the owner of the jewelry store around the corner. One day I was buying a pendant for mother when we started chatting. And the next thing you know he mentioned how he used to have tea parties on his boat. So I suggested we have one right here. It sounded like fun. 
RK: Well run down to the jewelry store and let Gregory know that the tea party has changed locations, it’s now gonna be on the MOON!
Anyhow why did you make it on the same day as our lodge meetings? Afraid Ed and I would embarrass you, are we um…..uncouth or something?

EN: Now Ralph, don’t lump me in, don’t lump me in, you know I’ve been known to be extremely couth from time to time.
RK: Awwww shut up!

AK: Ralph you’re more than welcome to join us, I just didn’t think you’d be interested in this sort of thing.
RK: (sarcastically) Well perhaps I just got interested in attending this tea party. Maybe Ed and I have a sudden interest in the “finer” things in life. Maybe instead of drinking beer with the Racoon’s we suddenly want to stay here and sip some tea.
EN: (whining to Ralph) But I don’t wanna sit around and sip tea all night.
RK: (giving Ed the death stare) I said, perhaps suddenly WE want to join your tea club, and meet this…GREGORY fella you speak so HIGHLY of.

EN: (picking up on the sarcasm) Oh, oh yes, (clears throat and speaks in a crude British accent) May my esteemed guest and I join you vivacious vixen’s in a spot of tea tonight? Hmmm?
RK: Yes, Ed and I graciously accept your invitation to the tea party. Now come on Ed, go get ready, we don’t want to embarrass the girls. Alice, Trixie, don’t worry, Ed and I will be the definition of “couth” tonight! Tea time at 7 I presume??
AK: Yes Ralph, but you’re acting all jealous over nothing.
(Ed and Trixie begin to leave)

AK: Oh Ed can you bring down two extra chairs when you come back? 
EN: Since Ralph will be joining us are you sure we shouldn’t just bring an extra table too??
RK: (Screaming) GET OUT!!!

Tea party has started with Alice and Trixie sitting on the far side of the table sipping tea and chatting. In walks Ed all dressed up complete with a monocle and cigar. 
EN: (Once again in an accent) Don’t get up, I’ll introduce myself, I am Sir Edwardo Norton of Chauncy St. (Walks to the table) Mmmm pardon me, is this seat taken? I was dallying about town when I had the sudden urge to partake in a cup of tea. So I told my driver to pull over and here I am!
(Alice and Trixie giggle)

TN: Have a seat! We’re having some English Breakfast.
EN: Sounds delectable, (looks around) And when are we expected to be graced by the presence of Sir Ralph Kramden of Chauncey St.?
AK: He should be out any second, he’s been in the bedroom getting ready for a while now.
(Ralph walks out dressed to the gills in a penguin-like tuxedo and an extra tall top hat. He takes his time as he half models his outfit as he sits down next to Ed on one side of the table.)
EN: Ralphie, I mean Sir Ralph Kramden may I say you look very couth tonight. 
AK: Yeah sweetie you’re quite a spectacle.

RK: (looks around) So, looks like this Gregory fella isn’t exactly concerned with punctuality. 
EN: (in a snooty tone) Uncouth, uncouth indeed.

(Just then there’s a sturdy knock on the door. Alice answers it and in walks a tall handsome man elegantly and stylishly dressed. (Gregory Sterling)

GS: Excuse my tardiness Alice, I guess I do my best to be fashionably late. 
(Ralph and Ed are immediately intimidated and look a bit silly in their tuxes compared to Gregory)

GS: And how is the lovely Trixie this evening?
EN: (in his regular voice) That’s a….Mrs. Norton to you pal….(clears throat and returns to his accent) I mean sir.
TN: Oh Ed, don’t be silly. 
GS: I wasn’t expecting such a large group for tea.
RK: I bet.
GS: I wasn’t aware it was to be a costume party either. (Looks at Ralph and Ed.)
(Ralph and Ed look at each other in slight embarrassment, Ralph rubs his face as he’s holding in his anger)

(Alice jumps in knowing Ralph is about to lose it)

AK: Ah, Gregory, this is my husband Ralph and this is Trixie’s husband Ed.
GS: Very nice to make your acquaintances. (Sits down) I have to say you are a couple of very lucky gentlemen. You have such wonderful wives to come home to each night and I….I have to fill my time with mere material possessions such as sailboats, yachts, and cars. I have to fill my soul with paintings, poetry, and sonnets. And I have to fill my stomach with dinners prepared by my personal chef. I don’t get home-cooked meals prepared with love by an adoring companion. 
RK: (half under his breath) Yeah it’s gotta be murder. 
TN: So Gregory, since we’re all pretty new to this, can you tell us what usually goes on at a finer things tea party?
GS: I’d love to. Well first we try the tea (takes a long slow sip) and then comment on its characteristics, we explain what we both find pleasing as well as not. Ralph would you like to go first?
(Ralph realizes he hasn’t taken even one sip yet. So he sits up straight, sticks his pinky out while he takes a tiny sip making a slurping sound.)
RK: (long pause as if preparing a long and detailed report)….I kinda like it!

(Gregory smiles thinking Ralph was kidding but quickly realizes he wasn’t.)

GS: Ah, Ralph, would you like to elaborate a bit?
RK: (Looking quite lost) I REALLY…really kinda like it…..a lot! (Smiles nervously)
GS: (trying to help Ralph save face) That’s good, that’s good Ralph, a positive review. 
TN: Gregory, would you like to go next?
GS: My pleasure. May I say the initial impression of this English Breakfast tea was met with a bit of skepticism since I have a summer home in Yorkshire so I believe my palate has been refined from such direct native exposure. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the earthy, almost toasted aroma followed by the malty comforting boldness of the black tea blend as it passed my tastebuds. And how smooth the lingering essence long after it had been consumed, brings me right back to the cafe’s I so frequent back in England. May I be so bold as to proclaim this to be comparable to those I have experienced overseas? Splendid, simply splendid. 
(Everyone at the table looks at each other in amazement, Ralph feeling very small.)

RK: So you liked it?
GS: Oh very much.
RK: Took you half the day to say what took me only four words. 
EN: Can I have a toyn? (Ed’s weird way of saying turn)
AK: Go ahead Edwardo. 
EN: (Ed puts in his monocle and does his usual exaggerated unnecessary motions for a good 10 seconds before Ralph freaks out)
RK: Come on!!! 
(Ed’s monocle falls out and Ed jumps back)

EN: Alight alright. Hmm, to expand on what my worldly acquaintance had already stated, the essence of this tea is rich and bold and embodies the aroma of, dare I venture to guess, both Assame and Ceylon black teas?
GS: Yes! Yes! I was going to say that but hadn’t the nerve!
EN: (raises his teacup and toasts Gregory) Cheers, to the finer things. 
(Ralph, Alice, and Trixie all look completely dumbstruck)

RK: And where in the world did you come up with that??
EN: Like I said earlier, I can be quite couth from time to time.
RK: Ah shut up!


Alice is cleaning up after the party. Ralph comes out of the room wearing a robe. He’s obviously exhausted and embarrassed by the whole party. He does his classic ‘about to freak out but isn’t quite sure what to say’ three times and finally Alice jumps in.
AK: I’m proud of you sweetheart. You were probably very uncomfortable all night but you hung in there. 
(Ralph quickly changes moods and looks big-eyed and grateful.)

RK: You know, Gregory was actually a pretty nice fellow, and he was right.
AK: Right about what Ralph?
RK: That bit he said about only having possessions to come home to, he’s right. I’m the lucky one because I get to come home to you. And most nights you have a nice home cooked meal for me to eat and you listen to me complain about my day. If you ask me, I’m the real rich man.
AK: Ah Ralph, you know those material possessions don’t mean anything to me. I love you and that makes me rich too. 

RK: Baby you’re the greatest! END